No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Love at first sight? Let me just put on my glasses.

Loving someone is not tough but the real courage is to be with that person forever.

Watching an entrepreneur fail is sad, but watching him fail from lack of nerve is tragic.

Terror ripped through me as I was falling, falling, falling toward the sea.

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

...it is curiosity, initiative, originality, and the ruthless application of honesty that count in research- much more than feats of logic and memory alone.

To a musician or songwriter, your canvas is silence.

What if we just acted like everything was easy?

No one who cannot limit himself has ever been able to write.

It is not the genius at the top giving directions that makes people great. It is great people that make the guy at the top look like a genius.