No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

It's a lie to sell a diet plan that includes fast and processed foods, then implement a points system. A big. fat. lie.

Our thoughts of literary renaissance should always center themselves on the removal of superstition, meanness, indignity and ignorance.

My best vacation is somewhere I could hide, somewhere warm and not a lot of people around.

For the sake of historical truth I must verify that only the Greeks, of all the adversaries who confronted us, fought with bold courage and highest disregard of death.

All cities are geological and three steps cannot be taken without encountering ghosts.

On a very gloomy dismal day, just such a one as it ought to be, I went to see Westminster Abbey.

While the good news of the gospel may not appeal to everyone, the bad news of the gospel still applies to everyone.

I see somebody dying, I pick him up.

It's a challenge getting rid of your accent.

Old Japanese saying, live scorpion in pants makes life interesting.