No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

If we define an American fascist as one who in case of conflict puts money and power ahead of human beings, then there are undoubtedly several million fascists in the United States.

The door is always open for you. You just need to open your mind and walk into the heaven of love.

In the end, the focus on safety should be credited to the entire firearms-owning community, the “gun culture” if you will.

Ask nothing more of me sweet; All I can give you I give; Heart of my heart were it more, More would be laid at your feet.

You got to be smart you got to be clever and not get hit and when your able to do this your a fighter

I know at some point I would like to take on more dramatic roles.

I ought to file charges of uncommon stupidity against you for letting her try this alone." ~ Newt, Black Magic Sanction, Kim Harrison

There are a lot of women out there who are doing crazy things behind closed doors sexual-wise and are afraid to admit it.

Over time, however, the endless war in Iraq began to play a role in natural selection. Only idiots signed up; only idiots died. Back home, the average I.Q. soared.

Your first encounter of the day has a more direct bearing on your attitude for that day than your next five encounters.