No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

No matter how deep you bury good seeds, they always find a way to rise.

True freedom allows us to do all the good we can under God’s law.

True leaders are like statues, whether it rains or it shines, they never bend their necks to look backwards! They never run away from challenges!

The fundamental problem most patients have is an inability to love themselves having been unloved by others during some crucial part of their lives.

Willpower is nothing but willingness to do.

Cats always land on their feet. Dogs don't.

It is an excellent habit to look at things as so many symbols.

For those with drive, wit, vision, ego and a masochistic outlook, there is always room.

Personally, I like a chocolate-colored sky, dark, dark chocolate.

I found myself at a time in my career trying to impress everyone. I was constantly thinking about what everyone thought of my music.