No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

[But] the man who dares not expose his life in the defence of his children and his property, has lost in society the first and most active energies of nature.

Maybe somewhere down the line when I'm done playing, I'd want to style NBA players.

What would happen to the Weather Channel's ratings if all the sudden people weren't scared anymore?"

Huge open source organizations like Red Hat and Mozilla manage the collaboration of hundreds of people who don't know one another and have spent no time hanging around the water cooler.

It can be really frightening for young people to see their parents fighting. Remember, you're not alone and there are people out there who can support you.

We might remember ... not to fear death; it is the only way to be cleansed.

The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it.

The most beautiful object in the world, it will be allowed, is a beautiful woman.

The English doctrine that all power is a trust for the public good.

Abstinence sows sand all over The ruddy limbs and flaming hair, But desire gratified Plants fruits of life and beauty there.