No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Someone asked me "what do you think of Donald Trump?" And I said, "I would rather vote for Hillary Clinton in jail." If she gets convicted, I'll vote for her for president.

Even people who aren't sick may not have optimal wellness.

I'd rather betray the world than let the world betray me.

Do I believe in giving up? No, I don't.

The world howls for social justice, but when it comes to social responsibility, you sometimes cant even hear crickets chirping.

I always thought of writing as holy. I still do. It’s not something to be approached casually.

Golf is meaningless, but it means so much.

My family is my career.

I've done it all before, I tell myself, and I can do it again. Trust is the strongest weapon.

Well every moment, every project is different. I took a very slow approach to acting, trying to really work with people I could learn from. And I got something different out of each experience.