Nobody can know what's in my heart. Nobody can know what I'm thinking. I know what I've got to do.

I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein.

I don't think I've ever stepped into a gym - they won't let me smoke there. I just thank God Miller Lite isn't as fattening as most beers. If I cut back on beer, though, I'd look anorexic.

I was never able to have three of four beers. One's too many, and ten just ain't enough. Basically it's the way I've been since high school.

I hit the ball as hard as I can. If I can find it, I hit it again.

Life is nothing but a memory. People who dwell on the bad ones aren't going to have a whole lot of good ones coming up.

This fitness thing is blown out of proportion. What am I going to do on a treadmill - smoke a cigarette and drink a diet Coke?

There are probably some things I could do to keep my flexibility up, but I'd rather smoke, drink diet Cokes and eat.

I enjoy the oohs! and aahs! from the gallery when I hit my drives. But I'm getting pretty tired of the awws! and uhhs! when I miss the putt.

My slogan is who needs fitness when you've got great equipment.

I learned you can't drink whiskey and play golf.

…and all the other tools that mistook information for knowledge

Strength is wearing a smile even when you are wailing inside!

It is nearly impossible to hate anyone whose story you know.

That I ever think for one minute that I should ever feel lonely is obscene and unreasonable.

There is no problem so bad that you cannot make it worse

When someone is always looking over their shoulder, they're more likely to trip.

We were mighty short of infielders in those days

The important thing when you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand to witness it.

The audience usually has to be with you, I'm afraid. I always regarded myself as not even preaching to the converted, I was titillating the converted.

I had my eyes closed in the dark, I sighed a million sighs, I told a million lies, to myself, to myself.