Nobody ever invented a polite word for a killing yet.

When a man and a woman see each other and like each other they ought to come together - wham - like a couple of taxis on Broadway, not sit around analyzing each other like two specimens in a bottle.

We've become a race of Peeping Toms. What people ought to do is get outside their own house and look in for a change. Yes sir. How's that for a bit of homespun philosophy?

Intelligence. Nothing has caused the human race so much trouble as intelligence.

If there's anything worse than a woman living alone, it's a woman saying she likes it.

Do you know what I like about your program? Even when I'm running the vacuum, I can understand it.

Don’t blame other people for your problems. Only you can do anything about your problems. Inspect, reflect, realize, and then find the cure. No one can do it for you.

Courage is very important. Like a muscle, it is strengthened by use.

Happiness is the ability to recognize it.

Faith is a day-to-day lifestyle and experience of Jesus Christ. That's what we are experiencing at Shalom, when we plant in faith - even in the dust - and trust in him for the miracles of his love.

During a long and varied career as a bachelor, dear spouse [mock platform manner], I have noticed that marriage is usually the death of politeness between a man and a woman.

It began of nothing and in nothing it ends. [Lat., Et redit in nihilum quod fuit ante nihil.]

Help! The customer service representative doesn't understand my problem.

Dreams don't come true. Plans come true!

Never apologize, never explain - didn't we always say that? Well, I haven't and I don't.

There are a lot of good stories out there, but I haven't found too many great scripts.