Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.

If people would take me seriously, I’d never find out anything significant about them.

Commonality doesn't inoculate against hurt.

Self-consciousness is hell.

There are no habits of man more alien to the doctrine of the Communist than those of the collector

There is nothing wrong with being poor; but there is everything wrong with remaining poor after you have discovered your riches in Christ.

That idea is so damned nonsensical and impossible that I'm willing to stand on the bridge of a battleship while that nitwit tries to hit if from the air.

I have a soft spot for bad boys.

The big artist .. . keeps a sharp eye on Nature and steals her tools.

I don't fight creativity. I don't fight against not being creative. If I'm not being creative, I'm not forcing it.