Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

Your mouth was made to suck my kiss.

The fact that someone says something doesn't mean it's true. Doesn't mean they're lying, but it doesn't mean it's true.

Even when I'm stressed out I'm not mean to people. I'm not constantly rude to people. But sometimes people are so rude.

There cannot be a personal God without a pessimistic religion. As soon as there is a personal God he is a disappointing God.

There are ... just two kinds of girls. Those who go down town Saturday nights, and those who don't.

The American people are not just being taxed to death; they're being taxed after death. But, no one should have to sell the life's work of a parent or a loved one just to pay the federal government.

I feel very strongly when there's no chance for me to find a key to a piece.

Money is either a good or bad influence, according to the character of the person who possesses it.

They (the FAI) have asked, very humbly, can't we be team No 33 at the World Cup? They have asked for that... really!

I guess I am narcisstic, but only in the sense that I am brilliant and tortured as well