Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.

If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.

You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner?” I shrugged. “I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.

The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive

Enemies are often former or potential friends who have been denied - or think that they have been denied - something.

We believe that there are many buyers who want a stylish, sporty car that sends a positive message about their concern for the environment as they drive it down the street.

No breeder is above catering to intelligent praise of his dog.

Consider that this day ne'er dawns again.

Let's absurdify life, from east to west. Let us play hide-and-seek with our consciousness of living.

The luxuries of the few were becoming necessities of the many.

We mustn't be stiff and stand-off, you know. We must be thoroughly democratic, and patronize everybody without distinction of class.

I want to clear up a few myths about myself. People have written that I was a kindergarten teacher and a former Miss Texas, and neither is true.

I think ultimately, when you believe somebody is going through a situation and it's either awkward or ridiculous, but you believe it, that can be funny.