Noise: a stench in the ear.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.

Lying rumours do not penetrate farther than our ears.

I like to think I'm a listener, and I'm fascinated by observing people - I suppose you just lock that in.

Bears are very nice, as long as you are nice to them.

I thought beforehand, if [Marie] Henein is going to be a shark, I'm going to be a jellyfish, because you can't catch a jellyfish. Not that I didn't want to be caught, I just wanted to present solid.

Comedy is the only weapon I have to battle totalitarianism.

I always want to know which tracks are the journalists' favourites.

I love it when artists talk about process! I love the movie Comedian.

If I'm dead," he murmured. "Why does it hurt so much?

The genuine and simple religion of Jesus will one day be restored: such as it was preached and practiced by Himself.