North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The only human being I could tell everything was my sister Françoise. She and I were so diametrically different; put together we would have been a fantastic woman.

I don't know if this sounds bad, but I am set. I don't spend my money. I don't buy cars or have an expensive drug habit. The only thing I've ever bought with the money I've made is my house.

I'm a pundit. I'm, like, paid to be a narcissistic blowhard and be in front of the camera.

Criticism, as it was first instituted by Aristotle, was meant as a standard of judging well; the chiefest part of which is to observe those excellencies which delight a reasonable reader.

Even the human race can't claim to be natural anymore. We are fake, dying things. How fitting that I would end up in this sham of a marriage.

I love you in a place where there's no space or time I love you for my life 'cause you're a friend of mine

You can work really hard, but if you're not training in the right way you're not going to improve and get to the level that you want to.

India is a democratic country & anyone can become a PM.

Sometimes colleagues in performance are absolutely astonishing.

Only to the degree that a musician is healing himself or herself through music can a listener be healed.