Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

This is where happiness sneaks up on you, and you forgive evil people for unforgivable things because they give you a taste of a future you always thought was beyond your reach.

Great things are done more through courage than through wisdom.

Personally I prefer a liberal dictator to democratic government lacking liberalism.

[European audiences differ from American] they talk different. The ones in Holland speak Dutch. The ones in Switzerland speak Swiss. That's the only difference.

God forbid Donald Trump gets elected president; think about how many people are going to get f**ked over or how much harder we're going to have to fight for equality.

Sacrilege is acceptable only as a game.

I think, fundamentally, open source does tend to be more stable software. It's the right way to do things.

That Man indeed can never be good at heart, who is full of himself and his own Endowments.

I never think of myself as a celebrity - or even an actor, actually. I think of myself as a writer-director.

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.