Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Maybe, long ago, we used to be good. Maybe all little girls are good in the beginning.

But you are proof that you can think you know someone yet never really know them at all.

The ocean will swallow you whole and burp you out and not notice you were even there.

I don't keep a press agent because I think people need to have a break from you.

North Korea and evangelical empires have the same principle of leadership: nepotism to the nth degree. You may not get the call, but you inherit the mailing list.

Every mother I've ever met, pretty much without exception, is doing the best job she can ever do.

Some devil with a pitchfork keep talkin' like he know me. I stood before an angel as he told me bout the glory.

I live in Vegas, and I see people by the side of the road with cardboard signs who seem like they might have tried that spending their way out of debt thing.

In a sluggish system, aggressiveness produces instability. Either be patient or make the system more responsive.

This welfare for wealthy companies wastes taxpayer dollars, harms the environment, and makes a mockery of the recent reductions in federal social spending programs.