Not since Jimmy Carr have I seen a cold computer programme on stage generate so much laughter.

My wife could turn to me and she may say, 'Why do you love me?' And I can with all honesty look her in the eye and say, 'Because our pheromones matched our olfactory receptors.'

Homeopaths do not have a physical brain, but merely 'skull water' with the memory of brains.

If the Royal Variety Show was put in a matter transportation machine with the Royal Institution Christmas lectures, this is what you'd get.

I thought I better warn you that I am not one of those politically correct comedians, but it turns out that also I'm not really that racist, homophobic or woman hating either, so you might not notice

My life is constant revision but it's not revision, a lot of it is for the first time.

They gave 12 monkeys a typewriter for a week, and after a week, they only used it as a bathroom.

There can be a science to joke writing, there are certainly rules and patterns that can be followed, but I think most of the best comedy goes beyond the rules.

We very quickly forget about the wonderful things we've got. People lose their excitement because there's too much. Basically we're experiencing nothing, because everything is available to us.

I'm glad the universe is pointless. It means if I get to the end of my life, the universe can't turn to me and go, 'What have you been doing, you idiot? That's not the point!

Wherever you are on Earth, there is more life present than in the rest of the known universe.

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

And the truth will set you free...

cautiously, you avoid trouble. See all that you can – then, if you forget the perilous and

The only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldy enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.

How do you sell emptiness, vulnerability, and nonsuccess?

Answers are a perilous grip on the universe. They can appear sensible yet explain nothing.

The fork is the most powerful tool ever placed in our hands.

I love Boston and I always will. I'll always have terrific memories and great fans here.

The square = feeling, the white field = the void beyond this feeling.

What counts is a way to get along with people that will bring us personal satisfaction and, at the same time, not trample upon the egos of those we deal with.