Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

The idiot was not a lot of thinking, which is an important move on. Smart people mostly think, consequently never stepped

There are a lot of rich people in the world. There are very few people who have the privilege of getting to invent things that billions of people use.

When the heart submits, then Jesus reigns. When Jesus reigns, there is rest.

I think that it's a crime to say you are bored when time is so precious and there are so many things to do in life: read, learn, watch.

Love is the only industry which can't operate on a five-day week.

Confusing the author and the character seems to be a popular and rather unsophisticated reaction to books.

As I said, my parents loved that when they came to America, if you worked hard, the only things that could stop you were the limits you placed on yourself.

BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.

Of course, when you're training your whole life to get to the Olympics, you train for gold.

I'm hyped up when I'm working. Some people eat when they're hyped up and some people don't. I'm the 'don't.