Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Success is simply the wisdom born out of so called failures

The beast inside me has begun to surface.

You will only find everything necessary for a happy and successful life in the Promised Land of your calling.

We need an unambiguous rule - a law - that nobody will step between the publisher and the consumer, full stop.

If you talk to the Whites in Mississippi they will tell you, 'You can go to any school you want to; we don't see race.' Biggest lie ever told.

Jobs that cannot be delivered must never be promised. It's unfair to raise people's hopes that way.

Everybody's got regrets. Everybody's made mistakes. Nobody's perfect.

Kids are constantly evolving, learning, and growing. They aren’t who they were yesterday.

The uninitiated are those who believe in nothing except what they can grasp in their hands, and who deny the existence of all that is invisible.

Short-sighted men who in their greed and selfishness will, if permitted, rob our country of half its charm by their reckless extermination of all useful and beautiful wild things.