Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

I must freeze my heart to the one person who insists on setting it ablaze.

Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.

I can be attracted to a woman sexually, but it doesn't mean I want to be in love with a woman.

You want to paint? First of all you must cut off your tongue because your decision takes away from you the right to express yourself with anything but your brush.

And I think for me theres a lot of neurosis involved with where you should be or thinking about where you are all the time instead of being where you are.

When I write songs I think about how it makes people feel, and I hope that when it goes into your ears you feel happy too. Not sexy happy but apple pie happy.

Age isn't important until you run out of it.

For seven years I did very little theatre, and I have to make up some time.

I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.

Work is the law of life, and to reject it as boredom is to submit to it as torment.