Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

When you cried, I learned what helplessness tastes like. Because all I could do was swallow.

Evolution takes its sweet time in its work on our collective consciousness

Everyone needs to escape sometimes, and retreating into somebody else's fantasy isn't nearly as satisfying as slipping into your own.

The universe does not have a purpose, but we do have! Our purpose is to re-shape this purposeless universe in a way that it will not be able to kill us!

In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.

We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment

People will stop trying to prove their something special when they finally realized their already unique in God's creation.

WE CONTINUE TO DWELL AMONG THE LIVING AFTER WE DIE. WE LIVE ON IN MINDS, HEARTS AND LIPS.

What will increase one person's personal power will not necessarily be the same for another.

When it comes to literal nourishment, the food we eat, life begets life.