Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Live each day with an open heart. Everything you are, feel and do must come from your heart, if you are to be truly you. Believe in love and trust that you will find the answers you seek.

There is so much pressure to be thin, and you constantly compare yourself to others. But confidence is something that comes with age and experience - it has to be earned along the way.

Lyrics should not need to stand on their own; many of [Bob] Dylan's do, but in common with other great lyricists, he has written plenty that falters on the page but soars in song.

I believe that all of us are born heterosexual, physically created with a plumbing that's heterosexual, and created with the instincts and desires that are basically, fundamentally, heterosexual.

This lie of political correctness is bringing this country down. You just want to break through it all.

It's not natural for people in the opposition to leave. It's always a personal catastrophe.

All I could think to say was, "The Lakers are my home team!

Whether you're a presidential front-runner, or an Academy Award-winning actor, or head of a TV ministry, if you stay in the public eye long enough they're going to try and find a scandal.

Meditation is my soul's soundless conversation with my inner pilot.

Victor Wooten is the Carlos Castaneda of music