Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

And all these things she always counted on to revisit, they made up a map, the map of a true home. It was the only place where she felt she had an identity and a history behind her.

Night helps us appreciate daylight, while lengthy days make us yearn for a good stretch of night.

Call a man 'ignorant, ' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

Every word about the God-breathed character of Scripture is meaningless if Holy Scripture is not understood as the witness concerning Christ.

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to.

A tune has to resonate with whatever is happening around it.

If someone asks me a question it is very difficult not to answer honestly.

Not being secure affects us as humans. It throws us off our balance. It puts us in disarray.