Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Most people end their race here on earth with no products to show for all their time they spent on earth.

Having a heart that’s three sizes too small must be really convenient for business.

Biography is the only true history.

It is only after an unknown number of unrecorded labors after a host of noble hearts have succumbed in discouragement convinced that their cause is lost it is only then that cause triumphs.

I always wanted my music to influence the life you were living emotionally - with your family, your lover, your wife, and, at a certain point, with your children.

Sometimes I criticize movies. It's not fun to watch a movie with me, because I'll go, "That was a really bad shot." My mom's like, "Shut up, Chloe, watch the film!"

I'm developing artists for my new record label, my son's band, Intangible, being one of them.

A true understanding of who God is, who we are, and the missionary task should drive us to our knees and keep us there.

I look at the time with you to keep me awake and alive.

You find out what you think by talking to yourself.