Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If I were a writer and not a singer in 10 years, I don't know how I'd feel about writing really personal songs and getting someone else to sing them.

I have been a strong proponent of pay-as-you-go. Every dollar that I've proposed, I've proposed an additional cut so that it matches.

Dead people are all on the same level.

My character of the Tramp, the millions of workers symbolized in that one figure.

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

To forgive and accept injustice is cowardice.

I have a resolution that I introduced in February. I think there's enough there that we know about the Kremlin and about Putin to be concerned about whether or not there was collusion.

A child who is happy on his pony's back has something which will be to him a glorious memory that the years cannot dim.

Often I think of personal behavior and judgment errors as being superficial wounds.

You become financially free when your passive income exceeds your expenses.