Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The candle burned the moth:But soon it will vanish in its own fat.

Calumny is only the noise of madmen.

I blinked and I cured my brain.

Abundance flows into my life in surprising and miraculous ways every day.

You can't give if your cup of inspiration isn't full.

His coworker was velvety-skinned, a sexy boy-on-the-cusp-of man.

I'm always in the theater seeing everything, good or bad.

It is a proof of philosophical mediocrity, today, to look for a philosophy.

Down cycles are not fun. But they form the basis for enormous future profitability

There can be nothing more abominable than religion.