Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Everybody is guilty. It's only the innocent that aren't.

The economy is not removed from the way you live out your private life.

I've got a happy marriage, which is the most important singular thing.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

I won't blast people out of my way just because they're there' said Harry. 'That's Voldemort's job.

It was about forgiving. I understood that forgiveness itself was strong, durable—like strands of a web weaving around us, holding us.

The CIA’s resources should be focused on monitoring terrorists in caves – not polar bears on icebergs.

The importance of music extends well beyond its performance.

The overtime threshold is to the middle class as the minimum wage is to low-wage workers.

I write short stories, and I wrote a play.