Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Earthly possessions are transient and ephemeral. Giving away love creates ripples that last for some time.

Your loss, serves as a stark reminder that, although I feel so alone—I am not alone.

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world. The ones who do everything right, expecting the perfect outcome every time, and those who know better.

The hard sayings of our Lord are wholesome to those only who find them hard.

Before you, I believed love was making love. Waiting only makes me love you more.

There are times when I catch myself believing that there is such a thing as something; which is separate from something else.

It's a delicious thing to write. To be no longer yourself but to move in an entire universe of your own creating.

The main thing I've learned is that we're better together and that our society needs inclusion - right? - not exclusion.

The food isn't too bad. It's very different from the food that the astronauts ate in the very early days of the space program.

I know he (Albert Belle) hates me. If he needs that hate to succeed, it's fine by me. I always liked him. He was a good kid. He just had a hard time with the pressure.