Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Books, which we mistake for consolation, only add depth to our sorrow.

The record business. It’s exactly what it is-Record-Busin ess. You have to take care of both, or they won’t take care of you.

I love that contradiction of being feminine but playing in the boys' treehouse. My whole life's been like that.

Music strikes the ear as a perfectly undisturbed uniform sound which remains unaltered as long as it exists.

Most people are more comfortable with what is familiar. I’ve spent my life doing the opposite.

Sometimes something becomes a lot better. It's like a puzzle . You can't force a round brick into a square. It's a delicate thing. You need to let the song decide.

Be wary of the arrogant intellectual who comments from the stands without having played on the field.

There are eleven or twelve or thirteen cities in China with populations of over 10 million people and most people in the West have never even heard of these cities.

There are a bunch of people who are never going to be for Trump. Most Democrats, polls show, will never be for Trump.

To say that they are the enemy of the people, among the worst human beings on earth, it encourages and legitimizes an anger towards the press that, you know, I think, fosters this attitude.