Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

What are you doing?” I asked Loretta. “Stabbing a cushion, ” she told me.

You and I both know that people see only what they want to see and believe what they want to believe. But just because a person chooses to not believe something, doesn't mean it's not real

I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand-a hand never dirtied by serving-and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus.

I believe people work for satisfaction.

I enjoy looking at words on paper and visualizing how to make them come to life. As a director, the creative process is really amazing.

To tell you the truth, I never listen to opera at home.

The injuries we do in kind are visited upon us often. In the science of the mind, trying hard to move a shadow.

I resent Washington telling states, or the residents of those states, what to do and what to think.

I'm not really comfortable in any one spot.

The Staten Island Ferry remains a potential terrorist target.