Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Intercession is prayer we pray not for ourselves, but for others — for country government, or any other person

In not making the decision you've made one. Not doing something is the same as doing it.

Failure is your invention.

Be the best version of yourself rather than a bad copy of someone else!

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

That's why I love doing live theater more than anything: You get an immediate reaction, whether it's good or bad.

I like to play unpredictable characters, and I like to be unpredictable in what movie I'll do.

Her absence in my life was so painful that it was a presence.

Because the Lord loves us He chastens and rebukes us. Modern sentimentality has reduced God to a tolerant indulgent grandfatherly being who winks at our transgressions.

It is all very well to talk about being the captain of your soul. It is hard, and only a few heroes, saints, and geniuses have been the captains of their souls for any extended period of their lives.