Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If there is no love for others, love of country is just a slogan.

We don't have to be harsh with ourselves when we think, sitting here, that our meditation or our oryoki or the way we are in the world is in the category of worst horse.

I believe that the ‘love of your life’ is just a person that you chose. You choose them because you believe that they’re it.

The German mind, may it live! Almost invisible as a mind, it finally manifests itself assertively as a conviction.

Life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire.

I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell.

A good question is, of course, the key by which infinite answers can be educed.

I had a background in theater as an actor, and then a photographer, and then as an experimental filmmaker and editor.

I always believed that women have rights and that there are some women that are intelligent enough to claim those rights. There are some others that are stupid enough not to.

Thou knowest not the endless artifices of a court. Invented crimes are often there alleged; but real ones, and those especially, which may offend his pride, are oftentimes not to a king divulged.