Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A Christian community should do as Jesus did: propose and not impose. Its attraction must lie in the radiance cast by the love of brothers.

I’m honoured when Africa recognises me

We need, in every community, a group of angelic troublemakers.

When the wicked want to bring down the innocent, they aim for a loving heart.

Do what you're doing while you're doing it.

There is nothing more attractive than a man who is not a New Man.

Ideas are easy. Execution is everything. It takes a team to win.

Stone tools are fossilized human behavior.

Perhaps the unattached, the unwanted, the unloved, could grow to give love as lushly as anyone else.

Mothers are legendary for being able to read the thoughts of their children at just the right moment.