Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I'm a giant pimple on the face of humanity.

For me black is not dark, it's poetic. I don't think of gothic I think of classic - it's a big difference.

Virtuous persons and fruit-laden trees bow, but fools and dry sticks break because they do not bend.

Life is a never ending miracle unfolding in every moment, and if we turn our attention to that silent presence in our heart, we can participate in that miracle.

Believe in what you can do and be not deterred by what others say.

I love existing in pre big bang conditions.

If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.

Worthy of honor is he who does no injustice, and more than twofold honor, if he not only does no injustice himself, but hinders others from doing any.

Right after Secretary [Rex] Tillerson was sworn in, four of the top career diplomats at the department were told their services were no longer needed.

If Doctor Nolan asked me for the matches, I would say that I'd thought they were made of candy and had eaten them.