Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Self-confidence and self-seeking are the greatest virtues.

A man shouldn't bite the hand that feeds him, even if another holds out a golden spoon to him as reward after his betrayal.

A feeling of discouragement when you slip up is a sure sign that you put your faith in deeds

Arguments that explain everything... explain nothing

There are people who love on weekends to go out when the sun comes out. I just want to lie in bed and watch sports and relax.

The only one you need in your life is that person who shows you he needs you in his.

My kids are my main hobby but, now they’ve gotten older, they’ve forced me to do things without them. I do a lot of things with my boat. My wife and I enjoy boating.

I do care about style. I do care, but I only care about style that serves the subject.

We suffer as a result of our own actions; it is unfair to blame anybody for it.

It was in the recognition that there is in each man a final essence, that is to say an immortal soul which only God can judge, that a limit was set upon the dominion of men over men.