Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Every Christian has the chance to become successful, if he will make the decision to fulfill God’s will in his life

The greatest abuse that we perpetrate on liberty is our assumed right to it.

I don't ever feel like the cool kid at the party, ever. It's like, 'Smile and be nice to everybody, because you were not invited to be here.'

Your intelligence doesn't override your desire to destroy yourself.

Ambition is the path to success, persistence is the vehicle you arrive in.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

I specialize in cool inside movie news. Specifically, the news from movies that excite us fans.

This revision of the Constitution will not be perfect. But at least the Constitution will not be inflexible. It will be a step towards the Social Europe which we wish.

Happiness is a decision I must make.

I was a fervent Catholic, and I belonged to the national organizations, even becoming one of the national leaders, until the age of 21, 22.