Of all human activities, education is the one most likely to give rise to cant, pomposity and fraudulent expertise.

No man is a hero to his valet. This is not because the hero is not a hero, but because the valet is a valet.

Speak success into existence.

The closer you got to someone, the more it would destroy you when they were inevitably gone.

The idea of love horrified me, and I knew I couldn't have it, so I didn't want it.

There's a difference between expectations and aspirations.

Every moral has a story, every story has and end. Every battle has its glory, and its consequence.

We're looking forward to getting our monitor appointed and we're looking forward to all of the reforms that will take place under this consent decree.

But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

One martini is just right. Two martinis are too many. Three martinis are never enough.