Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Never forget to value yourself

Reading illuminates our path with the brightest light.

Loneliness is a funny disease. You don’t realize how badly you’re infected until someone gives you a shot of contentment—and then it wears off

Grass is never green by accident.

Craving is a good thing.In matters of culinary art, craving creates wonders.

NHL is the best league in the world and I feel that I should play in the best league in the world. Money's not an issue and you cannot buy happiness.

I think God has a plan for all of us, and even if that plan includes Hell, its still a plan.

I am never satisfied with myself and that is what keeps me going - I have no post-satisfaction.

To defeat the aggressors is not enough to make peace durable. The main thing is to discard the ideology that generates war.

Without the cross we have a meaningless and powerless Christianity.