Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

For every establishment there is a stir-up virtue

We receive three educations, one from our parents, one from our school masters, and one from the world. The third contradicts all that the first two teach us.

Now call your old lady and tell her to come out here. Go ahead and don't try no funny stuff.

Opportunity meets you at your level of expectation.

God, I hope I wear this jersey forever.

I mean five thousand years ago people emerge out of nowhere -sproing!- with brains and everything and begin wrecking the planet. You'd think we'd give the issue a little more thought than we do.

You might slip, you might slide You might stumble and fall by the roadside But don't you ever let nobody drag your spirit down Remember you're walking up to heaven, don't let nobody turn you around

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

I count my blessings every day, quite honestly, because I take nothing for granted.

Go softly by that river side Or when you would depart, You'll find its every winding tied; And knotted round your heart.