Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

We do not believe that light exists in spite of darkness. We believe that light exists because of it.

Blessing is special attention God gives us

Every time a man unburdens his heart to a stranger he reaffirms the love that unites humanity.

Richard Pilbrow's lighting can turn a coin into an asteroid and an idea into an apparition.

Rejection always hurts, but having it come from my best friend was the worst.

All I knew was, even if she wasn't mine, I wanted to leave her with a smile.

I play guitar because it lets me dream out loud.

It is a fault to wish to be understood before we have made ourselves clear to ourselves.

As for those that carried out these attacks there are no adequate words of condemnation. Their barbarism will stand as their shame for all eternity.

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.