Of course, it has never paid much.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

On the whole, I prefer not to be lectured on patriotism by those who keep offshore maildrops in order to avoid paying their taxes.

What we have here, fellow citizens, is a crassly egocentric, raving twit.

It's like, duh. Just when you thought there wasn't a dime's worth of difference between the two parties, the Republicans go and prove you're wrong.

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel -- it's vulgar.

If you ever get to the place where injustice doesn't bother you, you're dead.

One thing that corporations do not do is give out money out of the goodness of their hearts.

I know: "Guns Don't Kill People." But I suspect that they have something to do with it. If you point your finger at someone and say, "Bang, bang, you're dead," not much actually happens.

How the American right managed to convince itself that the programs to alleviate poverty are responsible for the consequences of poverty will someday be studied as a notorious mass illusion.

There is nothing more heartbreaking than to see the woman you love, the one woman you would do anything to protect, is the woman who is afraid of you. It broke his heart.

When comedians get successful, the fans that they have aren't the fans they would hang out with. I don't have that problem.

How well I would write if I were not here!

It seems that it is only in the United States that an almost masochistic attack on the position of its own oil companies exists.

An honest man may really love a pretty girl, but only an idiot marries her merely because she is pretty.

Whether people know the evolution of the conversation or not, I don't know, but thematically, as a comedian, I stay in the same ballpark - around my issues and my philosophy of life.

Discover what you don't like doing and stop doing it.

Make sure you are the boss. I don't think I would encourage executives that work for me to blog. There can be only 1 public vision for an organization.

When railroading time comes you can railroad—but not before.

We have always been taught that navigation is the result of civilization, but modern archeology has demonstrated very clearly that this is not so.