Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Her family was a relay team racing toward Tomorrowland, but her father died, and in their shock they kept losing the baton.

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

Heaven is a perfect place God made for us who love Him! Alleluia! Amen!

Attachment is the main thing that is blocking your path towards enlightenment.

And so that is the question I leave you with in this final: What is your cause for hope?

I am the Executioner. Murder someone in my town, and I’m the one that you get to see. Once.

If you're always under the pressure of real identity, I think that is somewhat of a burden.

Some people wave their dogmatic thinking until their own reason is entangled.

Preparedness is the ultimate confidence builder.

Sin we have explain'd away; Unluckily, the sinners stay.