Oh, I'm terrible at travel.

There's a domino effect with certain things you say.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

Often it isn’t the initiating trauma that creates seemingly insurmountable pain, but the lack of support after.

When we are listened to it creates us makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life.

A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure.'

Nigeria is what it is because its leaders are not what they should be.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

All our thinking constitutes the new world, but all our thoughts are older and older.

I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.

It stinks of trains and that chili with the chocolate in it. Ooooh, books!" he exclaimed suddenly, making a beeline for the small library. (Al)

Sorrow does not take away, but adds to the Christian's joy.

It says right here you've got to be saved to go to heaven. But the way I see it, you've only got to be yourself to go to hell.