Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Implementing good relationship habits consistently over time elicits good relationships which in turn feed our thoughts about our own self-worth and capabilities.

From the moment of my birth, I lived with pain at the center of my life. My only purpose in life was to find a way to coexist with intense pain.

My life has been greatly influenced by many books which I have never read.

Those who are willing to forfeit liberty for security will have neither.

Everyone expects us to have a sense of urgency for life's big things. Life measures us by how we engage ourselves in the little things.

Until I truly loved, I was alone.

The danger is different from the fear. ... [practice] what to do if things go wrong, as well as right.

But I know how this romantic stuff works: one girl's perfect guy is another girl's reject. And right now I'm glad of it.

Come landlord fill a flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be--tomorrow we'll get sober.

Eastern medicine is not about curing your sickness. It's about keeping you well.