Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I love to play the game of life.

We reflect God's character the most when we give freely of ourselves with no strings attached, no secret motives, no hidden agenda.

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

You were out on tour, 75 cities in 80 days, and then making records on top of it. And they started calling us the Hollywood Vampires 'cause anybody only saw us at night.

I am an old man and I have seen things get revoked. Things which looked very irrevocable.

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.

Being out in the heat for two weeks can definitely drain your energy.

How can you know what is missing if you’ve never met it? You must know of something’s existence before you can notice its absence.

Better never means better for everyone... It always means worse, for some.

Our minds are mysterious; our conscious brain is like a ship on a sea that is obscure to us.