Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.

For the first six months of my stand-up career, I was talking like Danny Dyer. I was doing a lot of 'alright guvnors?' It wasn't true to who I was.

I only got into comedy to get laid

You don't need to see the answer. You just need to ask the questions and believe the answer exists.

In order to be irreplaceacle, one must always be different.

Someone’s darkness disappears when you show up and allow your light to shine

You get the best out of others when you get the best out of yourself.

The sound of the rain needs no translation.

And oft I heard the tender dove In firry woodlands making moan.

I am a horrible visual artist. I can't fix a car, sew, knit, cook, etc. Statistically, there is more I don't do than do.

How can I give more than is expected of me?

There was nowhere I could go that wouldn't be you.

Bullying consists of the least competent most aggressive employee projecting their incompetence on to the least aggressive most competent employee and winning.