Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

It was almost comforting, this mutual acceptance of our secrets.

It is very possible that the majority of a nation can choose darkness! Such fool nations learn the beauty of light through the unbearable and inconceivable pains!

Men are private. This I have learned. They are whole continents of privacy

The desires of the heart are as crooked as corkscrews.

The true friend no one can try to broke them because you are truthful to each other.

Ultimately life is disease, death and oblivion. It's still better than high school.

Fear is a thief. It robbed Peter of a perfectly good walk on water, & kept the other eleven in the boat.

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

Cricket is a pressure game, and when it comes to an India-Pakistan match the pressure is doubled.

The Champions League is more interesting to watch than international football and the quality is superior as well.