Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Stop just cheering for others who are living their visions. Commit yourself to your own success and follow the steps required to achieve it.

Poverty must not be a bar to learning and learning must offer an escape from poverty.

I stand proud, but I never said my pledge allegiance

All teaching and all truth and all doctrine must be tested in the light of the scriptures.

I've learned to be careful of becoming a critic. Criticism really sours your heart.

Anger doesn't demand action. When you act in anger, you lose self-control.

History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.

Swaraj will favour Hinduism no more than Islam, nor Islam more than Hinduism.

Moral issues rarely have yes or no answers. -Myles to Alanna when she asks about the Gift

People do, as long as you have markets, you'll have excesses.