On Career Day in high school, you don't walk around looking for the cartoon guy.

Every week when my batch of weekly cartoons would go to FedEx, it felt like a small miracle. Then in a few days, it's 'Here we go again.'

I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'.

You always hear a headline like this, 'Man Killed By Shark', you never hear it from the other perspective, 'Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food'.

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money.

You should always leave the party 10 minutes before you actually do.

The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen... The world's climates are changing, the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut.

The fuel light's on, Frank! We're all going to die! Wait, wait... Oh, my mistake - that's the intercom light.

Choose to be at peace with yourself and you will never have any battle to lose. Find yourself every reason and season to share your peace with others!

I am a beautiful thing, shaped for fighting.

My parents told me that people will never know how long it takes you to do something. They will only know how well it is done.

I think - no, I'm sure - 'Coast to Coast' wouldn't work with a daytime audience.

I like showing the gritty truthful dark side of humanity.

I live young and I keep the weight off of me.

The same men who are blind and deaf to feminism are acutely sensitive to what threatens their dominance and privilege.

Error is a hardy plant; it flourisheth in every soil; In the heart of the wise and good, alike with the wicked and foolish; For there is no error so crooked, but it hath in it some lines of truth.

I have never written a word that did not come from my heart. I never shall.

It is not good for one's morals to see bad acting