[On Lou Tellegen's Women Have Been Kind:] The book ... has all the elegance of a quirked little finger and all the glitter of a pair of new rubbers.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

One of the hardest things about writing lyrics is to make the lyrics sit on the music in such a way that you're not aware there was a writer there.

Absurdly improbable things are quite as liable to happen in real life as in weak literature.

It was only when you left it alone that a tree might treat you as a friend. After the blade bit in, you had yourself a war.

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

Sometimes, when you're this adventurous, you rip the crotch out of your pants.

I am wholeheartedly in favour of an independent Scotland.

I believe there's a common ground in what all gifted writers write. It has to do with their wish to turn darkness into light.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I play hockey in a pickup league. I grew up playing, so it's nice to get on the ice whenever I can.