On Michael Moore TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Learning the Holocaust is not meant to scare you but to deepen your understanding about the world.

My scar is beautiful. It looks like an arrow.

It is foolish to conjure up woe where none exists.

I always wanted to go to Sundance.

Never give nor take an excuse.

A curst Cow hath short hornes. [A curst cow has short horns.]

He who possess virtue in abundance may be compared to an infant.

A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, but a beautiful woman with a brain is an absolutely lethal combination.

There is a lot that I will not do in Hollywood.

What a writer's obituary should read - he wrote the books, then he died.